STARBASE 12 (Starfleet News) – The Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, James T. Kirk, has been relieved of duty as commander of the ship as a result of his part in the production of “raunchy” videos presented to the crew as entertainment and alleged educational tools. The videos were originally produced and shown to the crew a couple of years ago, but were recently leaked during a visit to a starbase, and then the videos went viral throughout the United Federation of Planets, causing widespread embarrassment for Starfleet Command. The videos are said to contain anti-gay slurs (extremely surprising in light of the Federation’s repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and Lt. Sulu’s openly gay lifestyle), suggestions that female members of the crew were showering together (with rumors circulating as to whether it was Lt. Uhura and Yeoman Rand in the video skit), and other racial remarks that were troubling to the Federation’s extraterrestrially-diverse membership across the universe.
When asked to comment on the situation, Captain Kirk was characteristically defiant. He punched a Starfleet News camera man, and proceeded to kiss the female reporter inquiring about the incident. Kirk will remain on desk duty while the investigation continues, while the Enterprise departs to return to patrol the neutral zone in light of continued Romulan terrorist acts in Federation space.